Attending Codependency Anonymous meetings everyday for 2 weeks, here's what I learned.
Want to find out if you're a codependent? Read on.
Hi, I’m Cara and I am a codependent.
For 2 weeks, I sat in codependent anonymous meetings, also known as, CODA, every day for 90 minutes, sometimes twice a day. It’s a 12-step support group program, similar to its more known counterpart, Alcoholics Anonymous.
Wondering how I found myself here? I had an early hint that I may be codependent from witnessing my mother’s behavior, which was reflective of pretty much all the women in my family, by their attachment to their partners and children. I did some digging and after reading the Recovery Patterns of Codependence my mouth dropped with so many ticked boxes from this list. Up until this point, I genuinely thought I was just your average people person-people pleasing-cig gender female.
What is codependency really?
Codependency is defined by Mental Health of America: An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment. An extreme need for approval and recognition. A sense of guilt when asserting themselves. A compelling need to control others.
Basically, it’s when others’ needs are prioritized over your own as a result of loss of self, self-esteem, and self-trust. It could have been learned in childhood, with an unhealthy caregiver who never allowed you to express your needs and taught you they were unimportant. Parents with personality disorders like narcissism or borderline taught you to suppress self-identity to accommodate them. Physical, emotional, or sexual abuse. Abandonment wounds.
Finding a meeting was really simple and accessible, there are many online group meetings that happen almost every hour. It’s can be specific to co-ed, women only, LGBTQ, friends, and family of codependents. Each group had a similar structure, starting off with laying out the ground rules, reading the 12 steps of codependency, then reading from the CODA book, and opening the floor to share for around 3-5 minutes with a guideline of no “crosstalk” aka feedback. We always closed with the coda prayer, my particular favorite.
In the first few meetings, I was listening with the camera off. As I got into meetings 3 and 4, I started to share a light version of what was actually happening for me and I never used up the entire time. By the end of the week in meeting 7, I was either crying or having profound epiphanies from others who shared. It’s incredibly surprising how a digital room full of strangers, can create such a safe space for feeling seen and healing. The letting go, the opening up, the vulnerability, maybe it’s all the reminder of our humanness. Or could be that so many of us, are in the same boat, trying our best, and realizing that we weren’t alone in this journey?
They say awareness is the key to shifting behaviors that are more aligned. In my own healing journey, and mission to reconnect with the true self, I’m going to share what I found helpful to find balance and what worked to rewire old codependency behaviors.
Get Curious
Start to get curious about your own codependency. Ask yourself: What was your parent’s relationship like? What are the patterns in your own romantic relationships, are you prioritizing them over yourself? Do you have trouble with boundaries and people? Do you feel like you self-abandon, and in what contexts?
Here are the 12 steps of Codependency which may give some insights.
Try out this codependency test.
Mindfulness and Calm Practice
Anything to keep you present in your body, whether it’s a meditation practice like mindfulness, tapping (EFT), yoga, or breathwork.
Building Self-Esteem & Understanding Your Needs
Nurturing your self-esteem is important so it’s also not reliant on others to validate you. Making sure you’re honoring your own needs by knowing what they are and not self-abandoning.
Using positive self-talk!
Writing down your positive traits in the morning, a little letter to yourself reminding you how great you are and the things you contribute to the world
Putting a list of your positive qualities where you can see them every day
Since we didn’t learn to identify them as kids, I started ranking the experiences I was in. For example, on a scale of 1-5 how aligned is this experience for me (one being the lowest, 5 being the most aligned)?
Take note of things that interest you, what makes you feel good and connected to yourself?
What are your hobbies or interests and how can you do this?
Boundaries
Getting comfortable with boundaries and saying no. This is key! Asking yourself:
What actions make me feel unhappy?
What did I do today that I didn’t want to?
Writing out boundaries for yourself like:
I will not offer advice to people.
Anytime someone asks me for something, I will say let me get back to you.
A “No” Detox - for 24 hours saying “no” to any requests.
Spending time alone for a certain amount of time to recalibrate with your own self and disconnect from the energies of others.
Healing Communities
Healing with the community has been profound. I’m part of CODA, a CPTSD meetup, and founded a women’s community, Las Brujas, to support healing my relationship with myself and others. Mirror neurons, the part of our brains that wire us to relate to the actions of others, like a yawn or when someone cries we are able to sympathize, is our ability to heal at an exponential level, seeing someone we identify with heal, tells us we can too.
This is definitely a process and I still go weekly to a CODA meeting to continue to share, stay on track, and pick up insights from other people on their journey. I am so grateful to know I have another place to go to when I’m feeling lost and that I do have resources to connect when I am feeling the most disconnected.
If you’re interested, I recommend jumping online and finding a meeting time that works. Pop into a few to find the ones that suit you.
Want to be part of the Las Brujas Women’s Support Group? We meet in a weekly virtual cohort, with guest facilitators, meditation, and mindfulness practices, to help you in your healing journey in a safe empowering container. Message me at Lasbrujasmagic@gmail.com