‘To thine own self be true’ is a line from act 1 scene 3 of Shakespeare’s play, Hamlet. It is spoken by King Claudius’ chief minister, Polonius as part of a speech where he is giving his son, Laertes, his blessing and advice on how to behave.
To be true to oneself is seemingly so simple, but the most complex. We’ll dive into the concept of what a true self and a false self are, why we forget, and why a false one is developed. Lastly, how we remember our true selves.
Dr. Donald Winnicott, an English psychoanalyst explained his theory about the True Self and the False Self in a paper he wrote in 1960. He expounded on the idea that people may develop a False Self to protect their inner, more vulnerable True Self—and that they might even do it at a very young age, without even knowing it.
He describes the development stages of babies where they need help and reassurance as a solid foundation. So when they are exploring expressing themselves, the baby needs the parent to respond and in hearing them, understand them, and do their best to help. This strengthens our trust that our most basic and honest needs and desires are okay—that we are relatable and our feelings are manageable. A person with this kind of reassurance grows up feeling confident enough to put their True Self out there in the real world, living openly, according to their heart.
Yep, you guessed it, it's always the parents.
So while the true self is seen as unsafe and atrophies, the false self steps in and develops to protect the “unsafe” true self. We can see this often, have you ever identified as something in order to feel safe but it didn’t feel authentic? Or co-dependency on others although we felt energy drained or misaligned with? It’s dangerous to push down the true self for too long, like keeping ourselves small, repression is poison. People with really active False Selves can, according to Winnicott, go on to live perfectly successful lives, but lives that deep down feel unsatisfying or “phony.” They can also be really accommodating to other people’s expectations of them in the hopes of connecting, but could possibly come across as performative or awkward, resulting in less authentic and less satisfying relationships. Winnicott points out that having a very strong False Self persona keeps people from acting according to their spontaneity and creative impulses, leaving the person feeling unoriginal and empty, sometimes with very little idea as to why they feel this way
Just be yourself, they say.
But how do we remember our true selves? How do we untangle our false and our true? Winnicott defined "true self" to denote a sense of self-based on spontaneous authentic experience and a feeling of being alive, having a real self with little to no contradiction. And like most everything, it is a process of remembering.
Here’s my suggestion on how to remember:
First, creating awareness of yourself is important. I like to keep a running note on my phone labeled “Observations”. Whenever there’s a ping - maybe an experience felt off, maybe a reaction, a thought or question that pops up and stands out, I write it down. This creates a relationship with yourself, your body, your mind, and your emotions. The first step in deeper self-awareness.
Write down your dreams. I got this suggestion from Mel Robbins, one of my favorite motivational speakers and writers. Every day for 30 days, write down 5 of your dreams. It could be anything, something that has been repeating itself. The little voice in the back. That designer handbag, that podcast, the house in nature with a bathtub. All of it.
Carve 30 minutes a day to just create with no tie of outcome or transaction. By create, I mean expressing yourself. Is it writing? Is it gardening and watching your flowers bloom? Is it doodling a selfie every day?
Meditate. From as little as 5 minutes, this needs to be done every day. We live in a society where we are asked to overuse our brain when in actuality it was only meant for “filing cabinets” as Prince (the purple one) says.
Ranking. I started ranking experiences in real-time. Asking myself on a scale of 1 to 5, where does this stand in how much I enjoy this? You’ll be surprised the honesty that comes from being present.
Get professional support. I highly recommend a therapist, I prefer niche modalities like somatic or trauma. Or support from healers, sound bowl practitioners, yoga practices, and holistic modalities are helpful in discovering more truths.
As you build the muscles of connecting to your truth with these tools, more layers will be revealed, and your compass will finally hit true north.
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